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          不要假裝很努力,結果不會陪你演戲

          作者:一筆朱砂 來源:文章閱讀網 時間:2019-07-02 09:51 閱讀:

             不要假裝很努力,結果不會陪你演戲

             2019年2月15日是19考研公布成績的時間,0點的等待直至下午敲擊回車鍵后的絕望,那是一個從生到死的過程。初試成績:政治:74、英語:32、專業課一:136、專業課二:128……

             看著一行行的數字,無悲無喜,只有咧嘴發出一聲苦笑,17年初試成績:政治:68、英語:30、專業課一:132、專業課二:118!不同的年輪里,相似的成績,是我真的沒有那個命嗎?腦海里,第一次有了放棄,放棄這條考研路,哪怕做什么都好,逃避考研話題、將考研資料全部壓在書柜的最底層。恐懼面對它,瞥到它們一眼,似乎便能感覺它們每一個字符都在面目猙獰的譏笑著我這個考研的失敗者,而我只能毫無招架之力的蜷縮在自己畫地為牢的城堡中,任自己哭的悲天泣地、卻走不出那片囚鎖自己靈魂的禁地。

             不敢面對父母,怕看到它們深深的皺紋和花白的白發;不敢面對朋友,因為怕遭到朋友的嘲笑;不敢面對考前便中意的導師,怕看到那雙深深鼓勵的的雙眸。背負著那么多人的期翼,卻一次又一次的讓他們失望,尋找不到自己存在的意義,甚至自己跑到郊外,淚眼婆娑的望著蒼天喃喃自語:為什么是我?為什么要這么折磨我?為什么要每次讓希望和失望并存?

             在這一刻,我意識到自己出現了抑郁的癥狀,焦慮、悲傷、消極的情緒占據了主場,我深知自己如果不能救贖自己,那可能不是兩次考研失敗,人生態度也許從此便會從一個極端走向另一個極端,這個是我所不能允許的!

             縱觀初試成績,英語是我的短板,回首兩次考研,英語也是最不下功夫的學科,因為不會,所以厭學,結果便是更加弱項,這個過程是一個死循環,越不會越討厭,越討厭越不會去主動學習。其他科目沒有多好,最起碼不是一個扯后腿的分數,這點倒還給了我一點繼續的決心……


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