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          寂寥的心緒,該怎樣去排解?

          作者:于云破處看天藍 來源:文章閱讀網 時間:2019-06-25 10:46 閱讀:

            暫且就先在這兒安家吧。內心這樣勸慰著自己,我知道對于一個四十開外的已步入中年行列的人來講,來此寫什么心情日記有些矯情,虛頭巴腦,我也知道這都是年經人的地界,我早已過了為賦新詞強說愁、無病呻吟的青春年少,可又有什么辦法呢?一則工作的需要,雖然文筆生澀,心境頹廢,不思上進,但內心卻是真切意識到當務之急還是應該提升遣詞造句、布局謀篇的文字工夫,可是寫日記練文筆,又倦怠懶散,無論是傳統的提筆碼字還是QQ中寫私密日記,我都厭倦了,那索性開辟一新的平臺,求新鮮圖刺激,希望自己能安心于此,盡情地渲泄,權且就是一心理療愈的手段。

            我的心理很有問題,這一點,自己有痛苦深刻的體驗,那又怎樣?日子還要照常過下去,雖然內心的惡魔時不時騷擾偷襲,但自己總是盡量隱忍克制,學著忽視忘卻,否則任它任意妄為,橫行肆虐,只能加速我的頹廢,兵來將擋,水來土掩,帶著鐐銬一起來跳舞吧,既然我擺脫不了它。

            阿笑回來兩天,我忙忙碌碌,心境平和,無暇胡思亂想,專注伺候服侍,兩人一起去看望雙方老人,晚上外出散步聊天,一同協商訂制窗簾,最后一天下午兩人相伴去看了場電影,電影有些平淡無味,我倒認為好不好看無所謂,關鍵兩人相伴、心靈契合,呆在一起就舒服愜意,是啊,我也感覺自己的不正常,關注點只放在她身上,她牽制著我的一舉一動,所思所想。

            走了之后,我又陷入那種熟悉的恐慌之中,替阿笑擔憂,擔心這,擔心那,周一下班回家,情緒又不可扼制地頹著,無理找碴,跌入谷底,待六點多回家時,阿常已將晚飯做好,我一進門,就眉頭緊蹙,一臉不悅:“又是土豆,就沒個新鮮的”“想吃啥?”“烤肉”“那你點外賣吧”阿常被折騰的有些無奈,迎合著我。心情不爽的我黑著臉“算了,沒那心情”飯菜端上了餐桌,土豆中的牛肉全被我搶著吃了,阿常仍慣常地談論著新聞,我執拗地不予以回應,漠然置之,終于他感受到了我的情緒異樣,也不再發聲,緘默不語,整個飯桌就這樣你來我往,不言不語,尷尬又別扭,胡亂地吃了幾口,便拿起手機,逃也似地躥進臥室,這時才剛剛六點半,阿常收拾碗筷,看了會電視,就出去散步了,這時我一直在猶豫著,去還是不去,可最終懶惰地傲氣地我一動不動地繼續扒拉著手機,看什么?這時的什么都看著無味,無非情緒頹靡地打發著時間。從七點到九點,整整兩個小時,他一直未回,心虛的我念叨著:他今晚不回來了?行,不回就不回吧,該來的擋也擋不住,這期間,我看了塊虐戀小說,就是那種同志關系的攻受小說,看了一會兒就感覺矯情倒胃,可是不看又干什么?終于九點左右,阿常回來了,我不安的心也定了下來,繼爾又無聊在看小說,半個多小時,下去洗漱了下就休息了,這期間,彼此一句話也沒說。

            夜半時分,醒了過來。內心滿滿的,想了那些不開心的事兒,人瞬間就清醒了,再自我催眠也于事無補,就這樣清醒地熬到了清晨,我洗澡時他已開門外出,剩下我一人心冷如冰,情緒不佳,就別再糟蹋身子了,我順了一袋油炸食品就去上班了,待來到單位,拉開包鏈,才看到了包底用面巾紙包了一個鵝蛋,瞬間,內心天翻地覆,反問著自己:是不是有點作了?

            今天做什么?一如既往地看書、運動,雖然情緒作怪,日子難熬。近期看的對自己有影響力的書籍生活的哲學、象與騎象人、還有就是擺渡人,我真希望能遇到引發內心觸動、帶來深刻情緒體驗的,帶來積極正能量、讓人酣暢淋漓,渾然忘我,跟隨主人公一同悲喜的書籍,可是這都是可遇不可求,有的是作品質量的問題,有的是每人的感動點、情緒體驗也不同,我所能做的就是一頭扎進去,尋尋覓覓,不斷摸索,最終與我的所愛邂逅相遇。


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