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        1. 文章故事
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          民間笑話薈萃

          推薦人:朱雀 來源:文章閱讀網 時間:2013-10-06 07:08 閱讀:

            1。老公發工資了,拿回家準備討好老婆

            就對他的老婆說:“親愛的,我發工資了。親我一下錢歸你了。”

            老婆遲遲無動于衷。老公見老婆沒有反應。

            又喊了一句:“你要是再不來我就去找人伺候我了,把錢都給她了。”

            老婆淡淡地回了一句:“你要是敢去,這些錢你是怎么花的,我就怎么賺回來。”

            2。妻子突然問丈夫:“你愛我嗎?” “愛,當然愛!”丈夫毫不猶豫地回答。 妻子想了想又問:“你是不是怕傷害我才說的?” 丈夫連忙說:“不,不,我是怕你傷害我才說的。”

            3。小明數學不好被父母轉學到一間教會學校。半年后數學成績全A。媽媽問:“是修女教得好?是教材好?是禱告?……”“都不是,”小明說,“進學校的第一天,我看見一個人被釘死在加號上面,我就知道……他們是玩真的。”

            4。在公廁里,忽然聽到廁間有人說話:“哥們兒,有手紙嗎?”

            我翻了翻口袋:“抱歉,沒有。”

            過了幾秒鐘,那人又問:“那有小塊報紙嗎?”

            我無奈地一笑:“對不起,沒有,我只是來小便的。”

            又過了幾秒鐘,廁間門縫塞出一張10元人民幣:“能幫我換成10張1塊的嗎?”

            我把錢遞過去,廁間里傳來一聲咆哮:“你別給我十個硬幣啊!”

            5。 20年前爸爸抱著你等車,人都笑話孩子長得難看,爸爸哭了。一賣香蕉的老大爺拍拍爸爸說:“大兄弟別哭了,拿只香蕉給猴子吃吧!真可憐,餓的都沒毛了。”

            6。 話說某位女士一時興起,買了一只母鸚鵡。沒想到帶回家里,它說的第一句話就是:“想跟我上床嗎?”

            女士一聽,心想:壞了,外人還以為這話是我教的呢, 這不把我的淑女形象全給毀了。于是她想盡辦法,想交那只鸚鵡說些高雅的東西,可是那只母鸚鵡算是鐵了心了,只會說一句話:“想跟我上床嗎?”

            ……怎么辦呢?在那位女士失去主張的時候,聽說神父那兒也養了一只鸚鵡(公的),而且那只鸚鵡,不但不講粗話,反而是個虔誠的教徒,每天大部分時間里都在禱告。于是那位女士去找神父求助。神父明白她的來意之后,面色微難的說:“這個,很難辦呀,其實那只鸚鵡,也并沒有刻意的教它什么,它之所以這么虔誠,也可能是長期在此受熏陶的緣故吧。”

            神父見女士很失落,便說道:“這樣吧,你把那只鸚鵡帶到我這里來,我把它們放在一起。希望經過一段時間,你那只鸚鵡能夠被感化。我只能做這些了,有沒有效果,就看神的旨意了……”

            女士一聽,也只能這樣了,不是有句話叫:近朱者赤嗎?試試吧。于是她把鸚鵡帶到神父那里。神父依照諾言把兩只鸚鵡放在了一起。開始母鸚鵡還有些拘謹,看那只公鸚鵡在籠子的一角,默默的禱告,還真不忍心打擾。可是她還是管不住自己,終于朗聲說道:“想跟我上床嗎?“

            公鸚鵡聽到這話,停止了禱告,轉身看了看母鸚鵡,忽然淚如雨下:“感謝上帝,我禱告這么多年的愿望終于實現了……”

            7。青年跋涉深山,歷經險阻,終于找到了隱居山中的禪師,他迫不及待地問道:“我長得丑,我該怎么辦?”

            “長得丑就應該像我一樣。”

            青年點點頭:“心如止水,獨善其身?”

            “不,長得丑就要像我一樣趕緊找個深山躲起來。”

            8。本人女,以前一百四十多斤,現在瘦下來了。

            某日準備出門找不到電話了,于是拿老爸電話打我電話,打過去老爸電話上華麗麗地顯示了“大肥豬”三個字。

            9。突然停電了,“大熱的天,還讓不讓人活了,真煩人。”我抱怨道。

            兒子卻在一旁笑呵呵地說:“我覺得停電也挺好的。”

            聽他這么說,就更加來氣了:“大熱天的,停電有啥好處啊?就知道瞎說!”

            兒子被我訓得低下頭,小聲嘟囔道:“停電我就不用做作業了唄……”

            10。 漁夫晚上捕魚回來,看見兒子正與鄰居家的姑娘披著漁網在親熱,漁夫怒問:你們這是干嘛?

            兒笑笑,說:老爸,你不懂,我們這叫網戀!

            11。一次學校讓買學習資料,大家都是7塊錢,我為了讓自己能有點零用錢花一張嘴就要了10塊,結果老媽不信我,就跑去問家對面的同班同學,當時那心里忐忑的差點就說實話了。

            沒想到老媽一回來就說:“一看上課就沒聽老師講課,人家明明是12塊!”

            12。 地鐵人滿為患,可那些女孩寧愿站著也不愿意坐我身邊的空位。直到我到站了也沒人來坐。“難道因為我的帥讓她們小鹿亂撞了而不敢靠近我?下次是不是應該戴個口罩出門?”

            我一邊把襪子穿好準備下車一邊反思。

            13。 經過不懈努力,我戒掉了睡前玩手機的習慣,但不知道能堅持多久,總不能一輩子不睡覺吧!

            14。 ——研表究明,漢字的序順并不定一能影閱響讀,比如當你看完這句話后,才發這現里的字全是都亂的。

            15。 一天傍晚在小河邊,阿Q對他的的新交女朋友說:我可以講一個字讓你笑。女友說不信。阿Q這時,走到了一只哈八狗面前,撲通一聲跪地上,只聽一聲大喊:爹。結果引來了所有聞言者的哄堂大笑。阿Q回過頭來對女友又喊了一句:媽。

            16。 一位男子跑進車廂,著急地嚷嚷:“隔壁車廂里有一位太太暈過去了,誰帶了威士忌?”

            乘客中很快有人拿出了威士忌。

            這位男子接過。喝了幾大口,然后將酒瓶還給乘客道:“太謝謝你了,我這人看見女士暈倒就難受,這下好多了。”

            17。 第一天,小白兔去河邊釣魚,什么也沒釣到,回家了。

            第二天,小白兔又去河邊釣魚,還是什么也沒釣到,回家了。

            第三天,小白兔剛到河邊,一條大魚從河里跳出來,沖著小白兔大叫:

            你他媽的要是再敢用胡籮卜當魚餌,我就扁死你!

            18。 顧客:“你們賣的酒怎么沒有酒味啊?”

            服務員接過一聞:“啊,真對不起,忘記給您摻酒了。”


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